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Recently I’ve had to work on stopping the anger, so I can get back to the joy of living. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you know I have been battling an unknown chronic illness enemy. This has caused me to have to process and walk through a lot of different emotions. Some of which feel like an ongoing cycle of grief as my health changes. The worst of them, the biggest demon of the them all, is the anger I couldn’t stop.
By nature, I am not, nor do I want to be an angry person. I grew up with a lot of angry people around me and instead of becoming like them, I knew I wanted to be different. There were a few wonderful rays of sunshine that helped me to see that finding happiness, joy and fun in all the little things were what life was meant to be about. So this anger that creeped in last year when my health starting changing, I just kept pushing it down. It got out a few times and I shed quite a few tears. Then I would get myself busy focusing on something else and I would work at ignoring this little beast in the corner.
The Anger Grew
Unfortunately with our current world situation, The Rona, on my plate also, the anger grew. Despite everything I was doing to think positive. Focusing on helping others. Growing my first garden. Even working on cleaning out a lot of junk in my house. The little seed of anger kept finding a new place to grow and a couple of months ago, it sprouted. (Can you tell I’ve been working in the garden a lot these days? LOL) I was trying to find ways of stopping the anger. To live and enjoy life. Finding new joy in my time at home.
Facing the anger
My body and mind grew tired, it felt like the anger was winning. I had to walk away from communications with friends, social media, and even a wonderful community charity group I had started. My health declined to the point I wasn’t walking well most days. I was struggling to think from the moment I got out of bed. My speech was strained and slow. For once, I had to face that I needed help with this monster.
I reached out to my therapist, talked to her about everything that was going on with my health, life, and then I mentioned it. I took it out of the box it was already escaping from and showed her this thing that had grown and I couldn’t get rid of. She laughed! Yep, my therapist laughed, she knows me well enough to know, this anger, was NOT something I wanted in my life. But what she said to me afterwards, it helped so much! She said it was “normal” that it’s an emotion I needed to feel, accept, face and work with.
I cried when she gave me permission to be angry. To be jealous of my friends still being able to live their lives, drive, go to a store when needed. Pushing that anger down was not helping, it was making it worse. I wasn’t plucking it up by the roots, I was just chopping it off and each time it kept growing back a little stronger.
This is not the person I want to be, I need this out of my life. But I am in the midst of a storm and it is not a storm I am able to avoid. It’s a storm in my path and I have to hunker down and survive. How I will survive and come through it, is up to me!
We can either let the anger win and take over OR we can learn to tame the anger and live with it.
I won’t lie to you, sometimes, when you’re going through something big. Grief is an ugly beast, but processing it, feeling the emotions and walking through the storm, is better than trying to ignore it! If you walked into a storm, unprepared for the wind and rains, you would be knocked down. Now, if you put on a raincoat and you put your head into the wind or you find a safe place to shelter, then you can withstand the storm and come out on the other side. Safer and stronger!
Shelter in Place
So I did what the world has been needing to do anyways, I sheltered in place for a bit. I cut myself off from the world for a few weeks. I rested. Spent time with my family, my garden and myself. Reflected on the past year of my journey through this health crisis. I took the anger out, I named it, I became friends with it. I didn’t take it out on my family and I didn’t let it win. There were a lot of tears, hours of journal time, there was a lot more sleeping and resting.
This most recent storm in my journey, was by far one of the hardest, but I learned something that will help me as I’m moving forward into the unknown. That I am stronger than the storm and if I use my resources, lean on my friends, family and medical professionals, the storms to come, may not knock me off my feet again!
Stopping the Anger
The anger is not gone, it lurks, but I face it everyday. Yes, we talk LOL! It may linger quite a while as this journey continues, but now I know that I can’t ignore it or let it grow.
Stopping the anger so we can get back to living, will never be an easy task, but it will be worth it!
Anger does not solve anything! It builds nothing! But it can destroy EVERYTHING!
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