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Some days I’m stronger
One day, I’ll start this story from the beginning, but today, I’m just starting where I am right now. In the in between. It’s been almost one year since my chronic illness journey started and over 6 months since my health started to rapidly decline. I have a good size list of difficulties, but to date, we have no answers as to the why these things are happening.
Days like today, when the doctor calls with results of my recent tests, to tell me everything came back “normal”, my frustration level raises to an all time high. All of the tests that can show them physical damage to my brain, are all coming back “normal”. The tests that show cognition and processing, show something is wrong on the left side of my brain. Yesterday I went for OT and Speech evaluations. The OT mentions that it looks to her like my visual processing is not “normal”. This is a huge area of concern for me, it is the reason that I have chosen to stop driving in the last few months. I see things physically, but I’m not retaining or processing, what I’m seeing. Not without effort anyways. I have to be intentional about everything I do. Even typing this post, I have misspelled words that before, would have come without effort. When reading a book for enjoyment, it takes me longer to read and process and see the story. Many times I have to go back a line or a paragraph and start again.
can i just get some glasses please?
Not only am I not processing what I see, but my vision has becoming increasingly worse over the last few months. Usually when you notice that your vision is changing, you head to the eye doctor, get some glasses or contacts and voila, you can see clearer again. This is not true in my case. I have visited the optometrist on a couple of occasions over the last several months, hoping for some help, only to be told, that my eyes are very healthy, it’s a neurological problem. He is unable to fix this with glasses. So every day, I wake up and I work a little bit harder to see all the things in my daily life.
It’s funny how much this quote below spoke to me today. It is so true for so many that are living with a chronic illness. Most days I accept and live within my new limitations. I find joy in the simple pleasures of life and am learning to be happy with my slower self. Then there are days that I’m not so strong, that I’m mourning the loss of the life I pictured ahead of me. Even though the hard days come and I let the tears win, I always get back up! Knowing, that one day, I hope a long time from now, I won’t be able to do, even what I’m able to do today! So I put my chin up, I dry my tears and I say to myself “One day, I won’t be able to do this, but today, is NOT that day!”.
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Do you live with chronic illness? Did your diagnosis take a long time? I would love to hear a little about your journey. I think it helps to know we aren’t alone on this road.
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